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December 14, 1996
My dearest darling John:
Whoever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
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December 15, 1996
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 16, 1996
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 17, 1996
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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December 18, 1996
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. These gold rings rekindle my love for you. Thanks.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 19, 1996
Dear John:
When I opened the door today I was stunned to find six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please, no more birds.
Cordially,
Agnes
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December 20, 1996
John:
What's with you and these freaking birds?? I now have seven swans a swimming to add to "your" menagerie. What kind of insidious joke is this? There is bird poop all over my house and the racket is unbearable day and night. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. This isn't funny, John. Please come get these freaking birds; and, please, no more stupid gifts. Could you kindly tell me where I can get rid of these dumb critters? I have tried to give them away but no one will take them.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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December 21, 1996
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? Actually the eight maids by themselves wouldn't be so bad if they had not brought their huge cows with them. There is cow manure all over the lawn and bird droppings all over the inside of my house. I just got a visit from the Humane Society. They gave me 24 hours to erect separate barns for the cows, swans, and geese and purchase appropriate cages for the Calling Birds, French Hens, Turtle Doves, and the Partridge. This is a disaster zone! I can't live in my own house. Just lay off me,
smart aleck.
Agnes
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December 22, 1996
Hey Brick-head:
What are you - - - some kind of sadist? Now there are nine pipers playing and holy cow do they play. What is worse, they won't stop chasing the maids. It has been horrible ever since they arrived yesterday morning. The Humane Society came again and demanded I put the cows inside my house until I get the barns built. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors are circulating a petition to have me evicted. The Humane Society is suing me and PETA is calling every hour to see if I have arranged for appropriate housing and feed for the animals. I'll get even with you if it is the last thing I do!
I hate you,
Agnes
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December 23, 1996
You Rotten Scum:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call them ladies. They've been "pestering" the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they all came down with diarrhea. My living room looks and smells like a cesspool. The City Building Commissioner has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you!
Your enemy,
Agnes
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December 24, 1996
Listen Buster:
What's with these eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. The pipers and lords are harassing the maids and even molesting the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
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December 25, 1996
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of her house, lawn, and neighbor-hood was total. All future correspondence must be sent directly to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a copy of the warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
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